


Forever, My Love.

by mini_cutie



Category: GOT7
Genre: Actor Park Jinyoung, Amnesia, Amnesiac Choi Youngjae, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Choi Youngjae-centric, EMT Jackson Wang, EMT Mark Tuan, Established Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung | Jr., Established Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang, Heartbreak, Im Jaebum and Park Jinyoung Make a Mistake, Injury Recovery, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Producer Im Jaebum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-04-04 00:13:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14007912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mini_cutie/pseuds/mini_cutie
Summary: Forever was a lie. It meant nothing, just a collection of letters, just a few syllables, just an empty word. After all, forever was a long time and, surely, nobody could do something forever, especially if it was something so flimsy and impossible like loving someone.Especially if it was loving someone like Choi Youngjae.--Something happened in Choi Youngjae's life and, when he couldn't deal with what it meant, with what it would entail, he ran away, literally. Unfortunately, he ran straight into a moving vehicle. When he came to, he was met with two kind strangers and a dilema: he couldn't bring himself remember much of the past four years.





	1. run to the end.

**Author's Note:**

> this is 100% based off of the song 'the reason' by got7. it's in their newest album and i fell in love with the song immediately. im sorry i haven't updated all of my other stories. i'll update them soon. i love you guys. please also love the song 'the reason' and this story!

 

The tears fell again, fresh and warm against his cold cheeks. Youngjae let out another ragged breath and he watched as it turned into cloudy vapor right in front of his eyes. Everything was freezing in front of him; the vapor from his breath, the dampness on his cheeks, the heart in his chest.

He quickly wiped away his tears, trying to give his freezing cheeks reprieve from the chill. It penetrated his body, went as deep as his bones, made him cold.

Youngjae looked down at what he was wearing. Childish pyjama pants, a thick sweater and a hoodie? What was he thinking? He was wearing slippers too. In this winter weather, it was like he was asking to die of hypothermia.

Not like hypothermia would be a bad end at this point.

He looked around, taking in the darkening sky and the small swing set and the big plastic slides. It was stupid of him to go to this playground, the same playground he always went to whenever he was upset, the same playground that held painful memories.

Well, the memories themselves weren’t painful. They were beautiful memories of the good days where he was small and the world felt small too. As he grew up, it kept feeling that way. Until, one day, it wasn’t anymore.

Youngjae could both thank and despise Im Jaebum and Park Jinyoung for that. The two were childhood friends but Youngjae only met them on his first year of college. They were both seniors so they helped Youngjae out a lot with things he needed. 

They introduced him to new things, expanded his experiences, made his world a little bit bigger.

Youngjae just had so many memories of them, of him with Jaebum and Jinyoung, of the great times they would have together.

His favourite times were when the three of them would get coffee. It always made him feel warm inside. Youngjae could still feel the warmth of the coffee, the warmth of the cafe, the warmth of both Jaebum and Jinyoung’s smiles. 

They always knew how to make him feel warm like that, all welcomed and wanted like the three of them were the only people in the world that existed.

Youngjae couldn’t stop the tears when they started coming again. Instead, he hiccuped, sobbing and letting it all out. He was such an ugly crier. He couldn’t imagine how pathetic he was at that moment, cries wracking his entire body as he stood in the middle of a kid's playground, looking very much like a lost child.

During times like this, where all Youngjae could do is cry and overthink and cry some more, it was always Jaebum and Jinyoung that helped him feel better. They would sit him down, talk him through his thoughts, convince him that the world wasn’t ending.

On the long nights where Youngjae ran to this same playground, they would follow him, sit down with him on those very swings. Even though it would be cold or a hassle or a problem, they would always look for him. He would always find his way back to them.

Youngjae sobbed even more. He was pathetic for building his entire life around Jaebum and Jinyoung, for never learning how to live by himself and take care of himself. Of course the both of them wouldn’t always be there for him.

Forever was a lie.

But it was hard not to gravitate towards Jaebum and Jinyoung. They always made him feel good about himself, about everything around him. They always managed to convince him that everything was alright.

They always made him feel warm.

Youngjae couldn’t help but cry even harder, memories of the good days with Jinyoung and Jaebum fresh in his mind like they just happened yesterday.

He could remember the day where they went to Youngjae’s piano recital. Jinyoung bought him an entire bouquet of flowers, said Youngjae’s music spoke to him. Jaebum grinned so brightly that day. He rarely smiled like that. Youngjae felt like he won a million dollars.

Then there was the entire week where they were studying for finals. Youngjae couldn’t trust Jaebum or Jinyoung with taking care of themselves when they crammed like that so they all holed in Youngjae and Jaebum’s dorm.

There was also their first date where Youngjae cried in a full cafe, right in front of them, and instead of saying he was an embarrassment, instead of being ashamed of him, they were kind and patient and sweet. Jinyoung cried with him when they came back to their dorm.

Youngjae shook his head as if it would help him forget these happy memories, these memories that made him feel too warm, too happy. He didn’t want these happy memories. 

Before, they gave him a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to persevere and work hard and study hard. 

Now, all they did was remind him of the good times, of all the days he would miss, of all the memories he would never get the opportunity to make ever again. All these memories did was taunt him.

Even before this, before hating these memories and before running out to cry in the middle of a cold empty playground, Youngjae had always been afraid of these memories.

They reminded him of all of the things he could lose, all of the things that could disappear right before his eyes. Jinyoung could leave, Jaebum could leave, he could never visit the coffee shop ever again, he could never be able to play piano again.

Now, his fears felt all too much like they'd finally come true.

“I wish I could just… start over.” Youngjae murmured, voice hoarse from all of the sobbing.

Youngjae suddenly growled, angry with himself. He harshly wiped away his own tears, expression showing exactly how frustrated he looked. He needed to stop crying, to stop being so pathetic. He needed to get away from here, from this playground, from these memories.

He sniffled, feeling the cold air hit him and seep through his clothes and his body. He looked around, not knowing what to do with himself. It felt like a second had passed but, truly, it was probably closer to an hour or two.

Youngjae really couldn’t go back to where he was before, though. Jinyoung and Jaebum were in their new shared apartment and it was too late at night to go anywhere else. There wasn’t anywhere he could run away to other than this dingy playground.

“Excuse me?” 

Youngjae’s head whipped around so hard, he thought he heard it snap. The night was too dark, he couldn’t see who it was that called out to him. All he knew was that he was a stranger. Youngjae couldn’t recognize his voice.

His immediate reaction was to run away. He could barely feel any of his body parts but his legs still moved, still pumped, still allowed him to run away.

“Wait!”

Youngjae didn’t wait, he just ran. He ran and ran till he was on the other side of the playground and, then, he still continued, not even keeping track of where he was going or how fast he was going or where that stranger was.

He just wanted to run away from them, to run away from  _ everything _ .

Unfortunately, he didn’t hear the honking of the car until it was too late.


	2. empty dreams.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choi Youngjae wakes up and it is not at all as pleasant as he would've liked it to be.

Youngjae woke up with a start, eyes wide and breaths deep. A hand was on his chest, another in his own hand. He looked around the brightly lit room, frantic with his heart thumping painfully in his chest as he tried to get up.

“Calm down, calm down.” Someone was murmuring to him, their hand pushing Youngjae back down.

He didn't know where he was. Everything in his body hurt. His head absolutely ached. He couldn't remember what had happened that lead to this.

The person holding his hand squeezed it, attracting Youngjae’s attention. He was a stranger too but there was a soft reassuring smile on his face that made Youngjae feel a little better.

He pushed away the hand at his chest as he attempted to sit up. His left leg felt too heavy to move and he absolutely couldn't understand why that was. 

“No, don't sit up yet. You're too injured, dude--” The hand returned to his chest, gently trying to get him to lay back down. This time he complied, tears threatening to spill over.

The other stranger, the one that was holding Youngjae’s hand, noticed this and squeezed again “You don't know me but my name is Mark Tuan.”

“That guy is Jackson Wang.” Mark continued and Youngjae glanced over to Jackson who simply grinned at him. Obviously, neither of those names rang a bell for Youngjae since he was sure he didn’t recognize either of them.

“What’s your name?”

Youngjae hesitated a little, brain feeling fuzzy, before answering “Youngjae. Choi Youngjae.”

“Nice to meet you, Youngjae-ssi.” Jackson replied, voice still kind which only continued to reassure Youngjae. He still felt panicked and his heart was still beating way too fast but at least the people helping him were kind.

While Youngjae was looking to Jackson, he felt Mark suddenly move, hand untangling from Youngjae’s own “I'm going to call the doctor, okay?” 

Youngjae grew frantic again. His hand tightened around Mark’s and his other hand flew up to grab Jackson’s arm. His eyes were wide as they flickered from Mark to Jackson and back. Fear flooded his veins.

“Please don't leave me.” His voice sounded so small that Youngjae almost doubted it was his. 

He didn't know why he was so panicked, why he needed these strangers so badly. He just didn't want to be left alone. His body felt so cold, the room felt so cold, like there was no more warmth left.

“Okay, okay, don't worry, don't worry.” Mark sat back down and Youngjae’s hand loosened just a little bit.

Jackson gently removed Youngjae’s hand from his sleeve, worried expression on his face. Instead, he pressed Youngjae’s palm flat against his own. “Be careful with this hand.”

Youngjae finally glanced down, slightly confused. He finally noticed that not only was there an IV there but it was also bandaged from the wrist up to the elbow. His eyebrows furrowed at the sight of it. 

“Do you remember what happened to you, Youngjae-ssi?” Mark spoke, bringing Youngjae’s attention away from his arm.

Youngjae continued to look absolutely confused, face scrunching up and mouth forming a frown. He racked his brain, trying to remember exactly what had happened. 

All he can remember was the day before. He was busy unpacking and he was going to meet someone… He couldn't remember exactly who it was. Youngjae vaguely remembered bring extremely upset about something but he couldn’t exactly remember when in the day that happened.

He was moving in. Something about a new place. There were boxes. He was going to meet someone. There was bad news. He was upset. For some reason, Youngjae could remember the events of the day, of  _ yesterday _ , but he couldn’t order them.

“Youngjae, do you know what year it is right now?” Mark changed the question after Youngjae took to long to answer the last one. Youngjae felt bad that he couldn’t answer Mark’s first question but the second one was easy.

“That’s easy, it’s 2014.” 

Youngjae had felt so confident about his answer but, seeing the expressions on Mark and Jackson’s faces made him falter. Had he been asleep for a long time? He had thought that something happened, perhaps an accident, and he was out for a handful of hours.

Jackson spoke up first, his free hand moving to press comfortingly against Youngjae’s upper leg “Youngjae-ssi, I think you might’ve suffered some brain injuries.”

“Brain injuries?” Youngjae repeated, looking absolutely appalled but, for some reason, he couldn’t find it in himself to feel anything but confusion. “What… what kind of brain injuries?”

Just as he asked that, another stranger entered the room. This time Youngjae could tell that it was his doctor or, rather,  _ a doctor _ . He wasn’t sure if this was the doctor that had been looking after him while he was out but, most likely, it was.

“I’m glad you’re awake, Choi Youngjae-ssi.” The doctor seemed polite and nice which was a huge relief to Youngjae. “Do you want Jackson-ssi and Mark-ssi to stay here while I go over your file with you, Youngjae-ssi?” 

Youngjae was glad he got a choice and, of course, he nodded. It might’ve seemed odd to other people that he was suddenly so attached to these two strangers but, at the moment, they were the only things he had that comforted him. Everything else was too new, was too  _ scary _ .

“Okay, Youngjae-ssi. Please keep calm as I say this but today’s date is September 17, 2017.”

That couldn’t be right. It wasn’t 2017, it was 2014. Youngjae knew that for a fact because he just moved into his dorm room. He was just starting college, it was his first year, classes were about to begin in a week.

“From your expression, I can guess that you think I’m lying, Youngjae-ssi.” The doctor seemed relieved that Youngjae didn’t panic but he still looked pretty concerned.

Youngjae nodded “Your date might be right since I don’t exactly remember what the date is. Your year is wrong, though. It’s 2014, isn’t it?”

From the looks on Jackson and Mark’s faces, Youngjae could guess that he was wrong. Of course he was wrong. Nobody could accidentally say that it was 2017.

“Did I-- Was I-- In a coma? For-- For three years?” Youngjae asked the question but he honestly dreaded the answer. Almost to the point of not wanting to hear it. He knew he had to know, though. It was unavoidable.

The doctor, however, only managed to further confuse Youngjae “No, Youngjae-ssi. In fact, you were brought in three days ago after a car accident. You were in and out of unconsciousness at first before falling into a rather short coma.” 

That didn’t make sense at all. The last thing Youngjae could remember was unpacking. There was no way he had managed to get to his senior year of college without even remembering to pass his first year.

“Youngjae-ssi, I think you might have retrograde amnesia.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading up till here! if you liked it, leave a kudos and a comment! i'll try to update real soon!


	3. open my eyes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two strangers with him make this disaster a little more tolerable.

“Youngjae-ssi, are you okay?”

Youngjae looked away from his lap for what felt like the first time in a couple of hours. He was met with Mark’s face, his expression obviously concerned. Youngjae couldn’t exactly give him an answer to his question.

Youngjae himself didn’t even know the answer. He knew he felt something, that something stirred inside of him at the thought of this predicament, but he couldn’t find it in himself to put the feeling into words. It wasn’t exactly fear but it wasn’t exactly frustration. It felt like a mixture of so many different things that, after being blended together, stopped feeling like anything.

“Please don’t call me Youngjae-ssi.” Words finally left Youngjae’s mouth but it sounded weak or maybe tired, even to him.

Mark slowly nodded “We can drop formalities, if you want. How old are you, Youngjae?”

“I guess twenty three.” Youngjae laughed almost bitterly when he did the math in his head. Last he remembered, he wasn’t twenty three years old. How odd it was to have missed so many of your own birthdays. 

Mark must’ve seen how sad Youngjae was to say that because he squeezed Youngjae’s hand “Well, that means I’m your hyung and so is Jackson.”

Youngjae glanced at Mark whose smile was soft and gentle to Jackson whose grin almost split half of his face. “Really?”

“Yes!” Jackson looked overjoyed “I hate that Mark is older than me so I’m glad to have a younger friend.”

“Okay, Jackson-hyung.” Youngjae tested the name out and it felt comfortable in his mouth. However, despite the small smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth, he still felt that gnawing  _ something _ that haunted him.

It wasn’t  _ terrible _ . It really wasn’t. But it wasn’t happy either. He was in this painful limbo of not knowing where he stood or maybe just not being able to pinpoint how he felt. He didn’t know what to do.

“I think I wished this on myself.”

The happy feeling in the room quickly evaporated and Jackson’s eyebrows knitted together in worry “What do you mean, Youngjae?”

Youngjae paused for a second to consider his words “I can’t really remember anything from this year. Not  _ exactly _ anyway.”

“But I have this memory of a feeling that doesn’t make sense to me.” Youngjae added, looking down at his lap in confusion “I remember the day I moved into my dorm perfectly, back in 2014. Which is why I don’t understand remembering being upset. What was I upset about?”

“I moved in. I was taking things out of boxes. I met  _ someone _ . My dorm mate?” Youngjae wasn’t exactly explaining himself at this point but, rather, just speaking his thoughts out loud.

Neither Jackson nor Mark had qualms as Youngjae continued “And then we got along. I don’t remember what he looks like or his name but I liked him. We ate take out.  _ Why was I upset? _ ”

“I think… I remember saying… I wanted to start over and leave my memories behind.” Youngjae finally finished and, by then, the feeling of  _ something _ turned into a feeling of anguish that mirrored the sadness he kept remembering for no reason.

“Youngjae.” Mark gently said his name and Youngjae turned to him.

Mark sighed “You see… We were the ones that found you. In fact, I saw you minutes before your accident. You were standing in the middle of a playground. It was really cold out so I was concerned. You were just wearing pyjamas.”

Youngjae grew even more confused but Mark continued “I tried calling out to you to see if you needed help but then you ran away. I was so concerned because all you were doing there, on that playground, was crying.”

Youngjae’s mind was reeling. He found himself remembering that very night. Flashes of it zoomed in his mind. There was the cold, the anguish, the tears. He couldn't remember why he was there but he could remember that he was.

Why was he there? Why was he crying? Did something happen to him? And, if so, why did he go to that playground? 

All of these questions just kept rattling around in his head, upsetting him more and more. He wanted to ask them, wanted to find the answers. Instead, only one left his lips.

“Has… Has anyone… Has anyone looked for me?” 

That question scared Youngjae most of all. His parents had died, his siblings grew farther from him. His sister had started a family and was too busy. His brother just didn’t have time. Moving from Mokpo to Seoul also meant that he had no friends.

After all of these years, did that still continue? Did he still have no friends? No one to care if he got into a car accident? No one to fill in this three year gap that haunted him, that he couldn’t remember for the life of him? After all, if he had anyone, they wouldn't have just left him to cry in a playground by himself.

From the grim looks on Jackson’s and Mark’s faces, Youngjae doubted the answer was anything he wanted to hear.

“No, nobody… nobody has had any missing reports that we know of…” Jackson frowned before shaking his head and putting his hand on Youngjae’s reassuringly “Don’t worry, though. We’re here with you.”

Youngjae’s face suddenly felt wet. Before he could realise it, he was crying. There was a painful pressure in his chest and he was crying and his mouth suddenly tasted like bile. Jackson and Mark looked panicked and all Youngjae could do was sit there and stare at one of them and then the other, over and over again, like a lost child.

“I’m so scared.”

Jackson scrambled over, lowering the bars on the hospital bed so that he could properly hug Youngjae. His hug was warm, felt  _ so warm _ , and his arms wrapped around Youngjae so perfectly. It only made Youngjae cry even harder.

He looked at Mark from over Jackson’s shoulder “I… I’m… I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to apologise for.” Mark quickly shook his head before squeezing Youngjae’s hand again “Everything will be okay.”

“Even if everything doesn’t end up okay or the way you want or anything bad like that, you have Mark and you have me.” Jackson added for Mark before pulling away. He grinned down at Youngjae and Youngjae’s heart might have fluttered just a little bit.

Youngjae nodded, smile watery but thankful. Jackson wiped away Youngjae’s tears with the end of his sleeve “You shouldn’t cry. You look handsomer smiling.”

This time, Youngjae’s heart really did flutter. He hit Jackson’s chest, causing Jackson to take a couple of steps back after making an indignant noise.

Mark laughed at this, the sound almost melodic to Youngjae. Something about Mark’s laugh felt contagious and Youngjae couldn’t help but laugh right with him though his laugh was a little bit weaker and shier. 

Still, the room wasn’t cold anymore. It felt warm to Youngjae. This room, Mark’s laughs, Jackson’s big grin; all of them made him feel warm, chased away all of the negative feelings, made this situation less scary.

Maybe, if Youngjae had the two of them, everything would be okay.


	4. hold my hand.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing was happening in Youngjae's life until, suddenly, something unexpected came.

It was two weeks later when Youngjae finally found the key to his old life. 

Even after two weeks, Mark and Jackson never relented. They worked at the hospital that Youngjae was in as EMTs so they would always visit whenever they could. Youngjae never spent a single hour of his day completely alone.

He even managed to befriend his nurses, Yugyeom and Bambam, who made him crack up all the time. Bambam had a good sense of humor and they were fast friends. It was harder to befriend Yugyeom because he seemed so distant but Youngjae accomplished even that.

Over the two weeks, however, he recovered no memories. He talked with his doctor and had a psychologist visit twice. They didn’t make any progress, though. At least, not mentally. 

Physically, Youngjae was definitely improving. His injuries were healing really well and, though they would scar, the scars would at least be faint. His broken leg was also healing nicely. It would take way longer for it to heal completely since it was a really bad break but he would be able to walk around in four weeks.

Really, over those two weeks, absolutely nothing extremely significant happened. Which was what made Youngjae so unprepared for the last day of that second week.

Jackson was sharing his hospital bed, something that they did often, and Youngjae was snacking on a pudding cup that the hospital gave out to patients. To their left, Bambam was seated in the single armchair reserved for patients’ families.

In front of them was a movie. Apparently, Youngjae should’ve seen the movie already because it was one of the best movies when it came out or so Bambam claimed. However, Youngjae  _ obviously _ couldn’t remember the movie so they put it on for him.

As a suspenseful part of the movie inched closer, the sudden slam of the door to the room jolted the three of them, Youngjae letting out a particularly loud scream while Jackson squeaked and clung to Youngjae.

All three of them turned to the door only to find Mark standing there, panting like he had ran all the way there.

“You guys need to see this.”

Youngjae looked almost disbelievingly at Mark “Are you serious, hyung, you could’ve given me a heart attack, I could’ve died--”

Jackson took the paper Mark held out, concerned expression on his face. Youngjae couldn’t exactly clearly see what was on the paper but he felt scared or nervous anyway. Bambam stood up to go see what it was. Youngjae didn’t know if he wanted to look.

“Oh my god, Jaejae, this is…” Jackson turned to Youngjae with wide eyes “It’s a missing poster for you.”

Youngjae scrambled to place his pudding cup down on the nightstand next to the hospital bed. He then took the paper, scanning it up and down.

He recognized the picture as a picture of him. He was grinning broadly at the camera and there was an otter plushie tucked under his chin. 

He looked different now compared to the photo. He had an undercut now, looked older, had blonde hair instead of black. Still, this picture was Choi Youngjae.

Under the picture was his name and big bold characters spelling out the word missing.

Youngjae pulled the paper closer to his face, scanning it until he reached the contact portion of the poster. It said to contact Im Jaebum at his number or Park Jinyoung at his number. Their numbers were right there, on the poster.

“There were  _ a lot _ of them spread around everywhere with different pictures of you, Jae-ah.” Mark walked over so that he stood right next to the bed, expression obviously comforting or something like that.

Youngjae couldn’t exactly tell since he was mostly focused on the paper.

He had been so scared that he was a terrible person. After all, there must’ve been a reason as to why people weren’t looking for him. He didn’t exactly feel alone. He had Jackson and Mark and Bambam and Yugyeom. Still the thought of his past life, the possibilities it held, was tempting.

However, looking down at the names listed on the poster, Youngjae felt something else.

There was a warmth there, like he recognized the names somehow, but there was also a coldness. Not exactly a coldness he could physically feel but a coldness he could remember vividly. Something about a park, about a night, about being extremely upset.

_ I wish I could just start over and leave these memories behind. _

“I don’t want to.”

Everyone in the room looked surprised. 

“You don’t want to what, Jae-ah?” Mark asked, hand reaching out for Youngjae’s. It was a thing the two of them did. Mark was never one to just take Youngjae’s hand, just in case Youngjae didn’t feel like holding hands, so he would always just offer it.

Youngjae took Mark’s hand without hesitating, their fingers intertwining and their palms pressing against each others' “I have a bad feeling about this.”

This time, Youngjae did look up from the paper. He could see how confused and concerned everyone was. However, the bad feeling in his chest wouldn’t go away. He couldn’t stop it. It was like his brain was telling him not to trust the poster.

Jackson nodded “If you don’t want to meet them, we won’t make you. But at least let them know where you are.”

“I guess.” Youngjae’s face scrunched up but he didn’t disagree. Youngjae owed these people at least that. However, he feared that contacting them would lead them to find him. He didn't know why but something inside of him preferred this life over whatever life he had forgotten about.

With a hesitant expression on his face, he turned to Jackson and Mark “Can you…” 

“You don’t even have to ask.” Jackson shook his head, smiling that smile that always made Youngjae feel warm and fuzzy inside “I’ll call them and tell them what’s happened.”

“But we’ll also make it clear that you  _ really _ don’t want to see them, okay?” Mark added when Youngjae’s nose scrunched up.

That made Youngjae feel loads better. Maybe Mark and Jackson could get hints about his past life without him having to meet this Jaebum and this Jinyoung. Maybe they could even point Youngjae to where he currently lived.

Because, apparently, though he was still enrolled in the college he knew he was attending, he lived off campus. Youngjae had absolutely no idea where he could be living, however, and Jackson already asked student services but they didn’t have an address.

"I'm sorry I just keep relying on you guys..." Youngjae sighed after a small pause as he quickly realized what he was asking Mark and Jackson to do.

However, Jackson quickly shook his head and grinned "Listen, Jaejae, we know we haven't really known each other for a long while but I've come to really care about you a lot. Let me do this for you."

"Let  _us_ do this for you." Mark quickly corrected Jackson, eyes narrowing just a little bit as he elbowed Jackson "We  _both_ care for you a lot. More than I could put into words."

Youngjae felt something flutter in his chest at that. It happened a lot when it came to the two. They would just be so nice to him, so sweet, and it made his heart skip beats. He didn't exactly know what that meant but he enjoyed the warmth it sent him and, so, he didn't mind.  "Thank you."

“Are you sure about this?” Bambam raised an eyebrow before taking the poster gently from Youngjae “I mean, I’m not saying not to follow your instincts but I just don’t want you to regret anything.”

There was a small bout of silence as everyone, especially Youngjae, considered Bambam's words. For Youngjae, at least, he knew there was still a small part of him that feared regretting this decision in the long run. However, the feeling inside of him that told him to be cautious was much stronger.

“Woah, Bambam, I feel like that’s the first mature thing I’ve ever heard from you.” Jackson broke the silence to tease Bambam a little, earning Bambam’s harsh glare.

Youngjae smiled at that before nodding “I’m sure.”

Though, despite the rather reassuring smile he gave everyone, there was still a lingering queasiness in Youngjae that he couldn't quite understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! if you liked, leave a kudos and a comment. i'll try to update as soon as possible!!!


	5. hug my heart.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson makes the unexpected event a little easier to deal with.

“Youngjae, are you pouty because your psychologist scolded you?” Jackson had a teasing tone in his voice as he sat there in front of Youngjae, smirk on his face.

Youngjae simply crossed his arms and slumped against the headboard of his hospital bed “Of course.”

Jackson looked just a little surprised “Oh, you're willing to admit to it?”

“It's my decision whether or not to meet these… _ people _ looking for me.” Youngjae grumbled, expression slightly defeated “I'm not ready to meet them yet! What's so wrong with that?”

“Well, from what I heard, you said you didn't want to meet them ever.” Jackson reminded Youngjae, hand reaching over to pat Youngjae’s thigh.

Apparently, though, that wasn't what Youngjae had wanted to hear. He pouted even more, shrugging off Jackson's hand so that it fell onto the hospital bed.

“Jaejae, he has a point, you know.” Jackson sighed but his expression stayed gentle and playful “I understand completely that you don't want to see them and all but, maybe, recovering your memories will lead to something.”

Youngjae seemed to consider these words for a second before shaking his head “I… I don't think I want to remember them, though. I think, before the accident, I wanted to forget these memories.”

“You can't know that for sure.” Jackson pointed out before patting Youngjae’s thigh again “But, I suppose, whatever your decision is, I'll stand by it with you.”

Youngjae brightened a little at that. It made everything less scary when Jackson said those words.

The two of them, Mark included, always made sure to remind Youngjae of the fact that they would always be there for him. No matter what it was, from small things like watching movies with him and holding his hand through the suspenseful parts, to big things like this. 

Youngjae knew, deep down, his old life wasn’t something he could run away from, though. It was impossible to run away from something as big as that. These people from his old life, these memories that darted around in the darker corners of his mind, all of them would haunt him till the end of his life.

There was no hiding from them.

Even with that in mind, the one phrase he first remembered, ‘ _ I wish I could just start over and leave these memories behind _ ’, it stuck to him. If that was the first thing he could remember, didn’t that mean it was important? Didn’t that mean  _ something? _

Jackson was slightly worried by the sudden silence in the room and he shook Youngjae’s leg gently “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Youngjae sighed before grinning at Jackson “I guess you’re right about having to meet them. I don’t want to but… it’s not like I can hold it off forever.”

_ Forever _ .

Ever since he woke up, something about that word had bothered him. He had wanted to avoid using it as much as possible but, sometimes, it just slipped. He didn’t know what about the word was so off putting. Still, he tried to push the feeling away.

Of course, Jackson quickly saw through the facade that Youngjae was trying to put up. It was easy to see since, after all, most people weren’t so easily swayed. When Youngjae grinned, he grinned with all the brightness he could muster.

His smile right now was dim.

Jackson was almost sure that Youngjae was just agreeing to placate both his therapist and Jackson himself. The older man would bet that, deep inside, Youngjae really wasn’t ready to face his old life.

Despite what Jackson had said before, he truly didn’t understand how Youngjae could deny himself his old life. If it had been Jackson, he would’ve tried his hardest to get back home, back to where he used to be.

Instead, Youngjae was content with the new life he’d developed, here in the hospital with Jackson and Mark and Bambam and Yugyeom.

Jackson wouldn’t lie and say he didn’t like it. He did like it because he felt a strong connection with Youngjae, one that was almost as strong as the connection he had with Mark. 

Asking Youngjae to go back to his old life while wanting to be selfish and keep him in his new one was a bit hypocritical, if you asked him.

All of that aside, it was true that Jackson didn’t understand where Youngjae was coming from. That was probably why he wanted to try even harder to understand, to truly see through Youngjae’s eyes.

Which was why he decided to perhaps discourage Youngjae’s current decision.

“Listen, Jae.” Jackson started but seeing Youngjae’s forced smile falter made him hesitate. 

Slowly, as if scared he’d frighten Youngjae, Jackson moved. He pressed his back against the headboard of the hospital bed and pulled Youngjae towards him, into his arms.

Youngjae hesitated at first “Hyung, what are you--”

“You looked like you needed a hug.” Jackson muttered almost against Youngjae’s skin, his chin resting on Youngjae’s shoulder and his breath ghosting across Youngjae’s ear.

Youngjae could even feel the vibration of Jackson’s voice against his back, could feel the way Jackson’s chest rose and fell with his breathing. He was so close that all Youngjae could feel was embarrassed.

The close proximity dislodged a lost memory and it flashed across Youngjae’s mind quickly, almost fleetingly.

Something about warm skin, pressed against his chest, against his back. There were calloused fingertips, light fluttering touches, soft kisses. It all made him sort of queasy.

The memory vanished as quickly as it came when Jackson continued to speak “I’m sorry about what I said earlier. About your therapist having a point. It was stupid of me.”

“Well, he did--”

“Yah, Youngaje, stop interrupting me.” Jackson quickly interjected before Youngjae could say anything else, his voice irritated but jokingly so “That being said, I want you to know that whatever you decide, I’m on  _ your _ side.”

“The right thing to do is whatever you’re comfortable with. If you feel uneasy or uncomfortable with the thought of meeting these people or of digging up your old life, it’s fine.” Jackson then added, shifting their bodies so that they somewhat faced each other but with Youngjae still pressed up against Jackson.

“You’ll get to where you need to be at your own pace.”

Youngjae felt relieved at that. His confusing thoughts, his unease, his doubts, all from earlier, vanished almost immediately. His tense shoulders sagged and his smile felt less forced.

“Thanks, hyung.” Youngjae leaned closer to Jackson, his hesitance from before disappearing with his troubling thoughts “I guess you can be reliable sometimes too, huh.”

Jackson immediately took offense to that and his arms tightened around Youngjae “What’s that supposed to mean!”

Youngjae didn’t reply, just burst out laughing, arms trying hard to pry Jackson’s away as he cackled loudly, worries about his old life gone as he enjoyed his new one.


	6. i will go to you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out, the unexpected event leads to an unexpected encounter.

Nothing significant happened after that. 

Mark told Youngjae that he had called and had a talk with Im Jaebum. The guy seemed extremely angry about the fact that Mark wouldn’t tell him exactly where Youngjae was. However, there was nothing this Im Jaebum could do.

Mark didn’t get anything from their rather heated conversation either. Im Jaebum kept saying that he wanted to talk to Youngjae and Mark had to keep reminding him that Youngjae didn’t want to talk to him.

Hearing all of this from Mark was slightly upsetting to Youngjae. But, after that small conversation about what Mark talked about with Im Jaebum, nothing significant happened.

At least, nothing happened until a week later.

This time, Youngjae was in the hospital bed with Mark. Mark was helping Youngjae go through all of the subjects that he’d had in the past three years to see if he still remembered the things he had learned.

To both of their surprise, Youngjae remembered a large majority of them. He was a bit fuzzy on the subjects he took in his earlier college life but he did remember the classes he had supposedly taken recently very well.

Mark had explained to Youngjae that it was a type of selective amnesia. Apparently, something had happened his freshman year of college and that something had lasted until just over a handful of days ago. Whatever that something was, Youngjae’s brain didn’t want to remember it.

Youngjae was confused at first but Mark’s explanation made sense eventually. Whatever that something Youngjae wanted to forget was, it wasn’t related to his school subjects so that was why he could still remember them.

Youngjae, however, had no clue as to what that something could be so he couldn’t exactly give Mark an answer when he asked. He hesitated to say it but it might’ve had something to do with those people trying to find him.

They were, however, interrupted by a commotion outside. Mark had looked worriedly at Youngjae before closing the textbook in his hands and putting it aside. He left Youngjae’s side and went to the door to see if everything was okay.

Before he could open it, they both hear Jackson’s voice “You can’t  _ fucking _ see him! Someone call security!”

Youngjae grew frightened and, though he wasn’t supposed to get out of bed because of his broken leg, he couldn’t help but slide his legs off of the bed as if he was ready to hide.

Mark shook his head, gesturing for Youngjae to get back in bed. If anyone knew how bad it was for Youngjae to be on his feet, it was Mark. His last concern was Youngjae getting out of bed, though, because there were knocks to Youngjae’s door.

The doors of the hospital didn’t lock for obvious reasons. The nurses needed to get in and out, there could be problems with the patients, etc. Thankfully, whoever it was that wanted to see Youngjae was patient enough to knock.

“Youngjae? Baby?” Their voice was loud enough to be heard through the door and Youngjae saw Mark’s face scrunch up as if disgusted by the nickname. Youngjae couldn’t help but wonder who this person was to him that they could refer to Youngjae as such.

After a second, though, Youngjae gasped, face twisting into a confused expression “Nyeongie?” 

The name left his mouth before he could even process it. Mark’s surprise wasn’t even close to how surprised Youngjae felt. The name, though it should’ve been familiar to Youngjae, still felt foreign in his mouth, though. Like it was something from a past life that Youngjae shouldn’t remember.

“Youngjae… should I let him in?” Mark asked, ready to either open the door or make sure it was kept closed. Youngjae trusted Mark enough to know that, whatever Youngjae chose, Mark would make sure it happened.

It didn’t even take Youngjae a second before he was scrambling to hide behind the hospital bed. He couldn’t stand on his legs so he sat down on the floor, knees pressed against his chest and hands coming up to cover his ears “Make them go away! Make  _ him  _ go away! I don’t want them here! I don’t want to see them!  _ Go away! _ ”

Apparently, the stranger outside heard Youngjae because their knocks turned almost frantic as if they absolutely needed to see Youngjae at that very moment “Youngjae, baby, please! I’m sorry,  _ Jae  _ and I are so sorry! Youngjae!”

The words this  _ stranger _ was saying made Youngjae’s body heat up, like he was flustered or embarrassed. Hot tears left his eyes, making his cheeks wet. He didn’t even know why he was crying and, yet, he still cried.

There was a memory that wrenched itself into his mind. Something warm between his hands, the feeling of embarrassment, like he was bringing shame to someone. He remembered wetness against his cheek, sobs leaving his mouth,  _ sorries _ leaving his mouth. The smell of coffee or maybe cologne, something  _ warm  _ in his chest.

He started hitting his head, wanting the memory to go back to being forgotten. He didn’t know why he was so desperate to forget it but something told him that he  _ had  _ to, that this memory didn’t belong in this new life he had with Jackson and Mark, Yugyeom and Bambam.

“Youngjae! No!” Mark’s sharp shout made Youngjae look up, made him stop hitting himself. How crazy he must’ve looked at that moment, hitting himself and crying and rocking back and forth like he’d just lost his mind.

“Youngjae? Youngjae!”

The stranger outside went unnoticed as Mark moved from the door to infront of Youngjae. He took Youngjae’s wrists, held them gently in his hands. It was the first time Mark had ever touched Youngjae without hesitating.

Youngjae was so surprised that all he could do was stare up at Mark in wonder.

“Please. You’ve been hurt enough. Don’t hurt yourself more.” Mark’s words were said slowly and in a soft whisper. His face twisted with worry and hurt as if the thought of Youngjae being hurt also hurt him. Youngjae felt something twist in his chest.

He nodded slowly, letting the words settle in his mind. “Okay.”

Mark smiled at that but it wasn’t his usual smile. Something else lingered behind it, something comforting and frightening all at the same time. Youngjae didn’t know how to react so he leaned up, pressed their foreheads against each other.

At first, Mark was surprised. Youngjae could feel him hesitating. Still, after a second, he returned the gesture and the two of them stayed like that, foreheads pressed against each other. Every breath Mark exhaled, Youngjae inhaled and vice versa. They were so close that Youngjae could almost feel Mark’s nose press against his.

“Everything is okay. Everything will be okay.” Mark whispered and Youngjae believed him.

“You have us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! if you liked, leave a kudos and a comment. lmao someone voted for forever, my love on the poll and i was really surprised becos omg!!! someone actually wanted this updated??? wowow!!! but because they voted, i had to update

**Author's Note:**

> if you wanna get some updates, my tumblr is mini-ghost-writer and my twitter is minikkukkungi. there's not much on either of them but like... if you wanna follow anyway lmao. on my twitter, there's a poll up on which story you guys want updated asap? so if you wanna vote on that, hmu! i only have my top three most popular stories on there but you can dm me or retweet it with a vote if the story you wanna vote on isn't an option


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